2025

Act I: Not An Ode to 2025

“Another year” no it wasn’t just anotheryear. My first year fully in new york. My first full year of full time employment. My first year without a graduation or matriculation or moving onto the next. (I say all this as if I didn’t quit my job and sign for a new job LOL!) 2025 was a challenging year I can’t lie. It’s a bit absurd how much happened.

I often describe myself as someone who can’t sit still. I like to do. Somehow I can describe this year as my first year of sitting still, and yet this year is defined by anything but stillness. Outwardly, this year was stationary, while inwardly the year raged through me like river rapids. And perhaps that’s not a coincidence. After constantly picking my life up and planting myself somewhere else, 2025 is the first year I didn’t move since 2018. (I just counted… since moving away for college I’ve moved 15 time in 6 years. FIFTEEN TIMES). This was the first year where I just existed in a place, existed in a home, permanently and indefinitely. And I think that is why it was such a challenging year. Sitting still forced me to address my internal demons. I had to be with myself. The good of myself. The bad. Luke and I got to know each other this year.

I started saying “I love New York” before I meant it. Of course, I’ve never disliked the city. Of course, I’ve loved it since the first time I came here with my parents in middle school. Of course, I love New York. It’s motherfucking New motherfucking York mother. fucking. City! But “I love New York” is a different kind of statement — a different kind of love — when you’re meant to love a city you call home.

You’re still on vacation for your first few months in the city. You are experiencing everything the city has to offer for the first time as a resident: your first subway delay, your first comedy show, your first snow day, your second subway delay. That was 2024 for me. Early on, when people would ask me “How’s New York? Do you love it??” I would say “Yes, I love it! It’s so different, but I love it!” But I couldn’t be saying it for sure. Inside, the overthinker I am, I was thinking, “Do I love it? Do I actually enjoy living here?? Am I happy???” And because of that, I spent a good part of this year scared I might not actually love my new home.

It’s dirty. It’s ugly. It’s expensive. It’s loud. It’s far away from home. It’s cold in the winter and hot in the summer and I live in a 5th floor walk up that has no laundry, has no A/C, and had no heat or hot water for a week. It fucking sucks sometimes. I don’t love it sometimes. I didn’t love 2025 sometimes. But I now say with confidence, I love New York City. It’s home. I don’t want to be anywhere else.

I entered this year at rock bottom and hating myself for it. I had terrible self image, an eating disorder, and was just generally unhappy with my status of life. And have I resolved everything? No. I still have the eating disorder. I have wayyyy to many negative thoughts about myself. But there was certainly movement. I cut the cord of my Apple Watch and stopped tracking my exercise (That’s progress I think??). I started therapy and then ran out of free therapy. I started smoking weed everyday. I stopped reading and watching the news as much, and I started listening to Las Culturistas as much. I bleached my hair and said it wasn’t a cry for help but FUCK maybe it was but also FUCK it looked SO GOOD!!!! I lost some friends and made new ones, so many new ones. I entered this year in a troubled status and hating myself. I exit this year still troubled but having learned how to love myself despite, amongst, because of, through the troubles. Imperfect but healing; wounded but fighting for happiness.

One of the coolest things anyone said to me this year (and ever) was a comment the iconic Jin-Hee Lee made at Disney World. We were about to ride the Guardians of the Galaxy rollercoaster (side note: I think maybe the bestest rollercoaster I’ve ever ridden ever???) and we were discussing that heart dropping, stomach turning, adrenaline rush feeling you get on rollercoasters right before a big drop or acceleration. It’s our body warning us this is not a safe experience. Jin-Hee pointed out how for most of human history someone only got to experience that feeling once. If a caveman’s stomach dropped, it was because they were falling, but there was no harness or seatbelt to save them. Since they pointed this out, I’ve never ridden a rollercoaster the same. How lucky are we to live with these technologies? How lucky are we to enjoy our bodies’ natural rushes of adrenaline for pleasure? How lucky are we to feel?

It’s desperately cliché to say 2025 was a rollercoaster. But Jin-Hee certainly taught me that even in the hard times, maybe we can find gratitude for the feelings. The heart drops and stomach turns and adrenaline rushes are just part of life. My seat belt is my friends and family and inner strength. It’s better than nothing. I’d rather live a life feeling all the things than wait until my caveman deathbed to feel. How lucky am I to feel.

I’m really sitting here dwelling on the woes of the year (I promise I’ll get to the highlights in Act II), but I also want to give myself a little slack. I left behind the life and love I’ve always known and MOVED to an insane new place. I became permanently and indefinitely responsible for my life and my well-being. My oppressor once again became my president. My ex moved to my city. I was rejected more than once. Our roof leaked, our heat went out, our hot water stays unreliable. Roommates worried me. One roommate was hospitalized and the other’s entire career got put at risk. Family challenged me. My brother and I are about as bad as we’ve ever been. So like… of course, this year was not all daisies and sunshine and rainbows. Of course, I had challenges. Of course, these things affected me. But if it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I’m strong enough to get through anything.

Act II: An Ode to 2025

OKAY LETS TALK ABOUT THE GOOD!!!!!! 2025 YOU HAD SO MUCH FUCKING GOOD!

New York. The people. The sunsets and the shows and the dinners and the friends and the friends of friends and the strangers. The parties. The laughter and the love. The opportunities. The growth.

I fucking MURDERED it at work and career wise. I (basically) got a promotion! And then I GOT A NEW JOB!!! 9 rounds of interviews and it ended in SUCCESS. I also like genuinely I became a software engineer this year. Like I know my shit. I definitely still have a lot I want to learn, and this new job will definitely be a huge learning curve. But I can confidently say I’m a software engineer now, not just in name!

Adding this because it isn’t a given: I’ve also been so so smart with my money, and I’m financially so stable and so fucking golden! That’s a slay.

I RAN 13 HALF MARATHONS IN 2025. 13 x 13.1!!!!! So, there’s a bit of baggage there on why I felt the need to run so… many… half marathons… But I refuse to deny myself the celebration that I deserve!!! I ran my first one in the last week of 2024 and I cried and cried and cried. It was a goal I set years ago and never thought I could achieve. I DID THAT!!! And then I did it 13 more times!!!!!! Incoming: running the Brooklyn half in April!!

I genuinely opened my heart back up to love. I don’t exactly have any proof of it; the men go nameless. I also wish I had invested more in this part of my life. But but but!!! I’m so proud of myself for getting after it at least at all. I proved to myself I have it in me. I feel I’ve healed this part of me that was still scared to fully open up at the year’s beginning.

Perhaps what I’m most proud of this year is starting a new penpal relationship with my parents. It has brought us closer in so many ways and has helped me learn to better appreciate all the ways they showed up for me and continue to show up for me. They also visited me in New York and helped make the city feel even more like home! I can’t begin to describe how blessed I feel to have a Mom and Dad as generous, caring, understanding, exciting, wise and dependable as them.

I invented a new mindset (and a playlist!) that has helped me through so much. Lime serenity, I love you. Thank you.

My BEST FRIEND moved a 6 minute walk DOWN THE STREET from me. Ana Elena moved to the city!!! My family is growing!

I streamed so many new artists and albums. Demi and Gaga and Miley and Kendrick and Doechii and Summer and The Clash and Chappell and kwn and Sabrina and Jessie Reyez and Leon Thomas and the Wicked soundtrack and A Chapter’s Fine by Jin-Hee Lee.

I streamed old artist and albums. SZA and Kehlani and Beyoncé and Lizzo and Ari and Charli and Miguel and Khalid.

I continued to stretch my brain. I read some books and articles. I listened to some podcasts. I became a trivia host! I completed so many crossword puzzles!! I found a new love of jigsaw puzzles!

I welcomed so many visitors to the city! My parents, Kara, Kheli, Grace, and Rilyn!

I saw SO much live music!! Kendrick, SZA, Kehlani, Bruce Springsteen, Ruel, Lola Young, Remi Wolf, Doechii, Sam Smith, Renee Rapp, Zara Larsson, and Laufey. Not to mention the New York City Ballet and Vienna State Opera!

I saw TWENTY broadway productions!! Hell’s Kitchen, Gypsy, Redwood, Death Becomes Her, John Proctor is the Villain, The Outsiders, The Last Five Years, Operation Mincemeat, Buena Vista Social Club, Six, Art, Liberation, Chess, Maybe Happy Ending, Two Strangers Carry a Cake Across New York, Mamma Mia, Little Bear Ridge Road, Oh, Mary!, Ragtime, and Marjorie Prime.

I traveled! Upstate, Vermont, Orlando, the Jersey Shore, San Luis Obispo, Reston, D.C., Paris, Split, Dubrovnik, Vienna, Prague, Budapest, Switzerland, and now Argentina and Brazil!! I saw the Eiffel Tower, the Notre Dame, the Matterhorn, and (soon) Christ the Redeemer! I planned fun trips and brought my friends on them!

I tapped. I yapped. I cooked. I baked. I ate at 200 new restaurants!! I tried new foods and abused favorites! I started new traditions and continued old. I kissed some boys. I streamed A Chapter’s Fine by Jin-Hee Lee. I went to Disney World! I sat on my fire escape. I saw dolphins and a shooting star. I protested for my rights and the rights of others. I got back into swimming. I brought friends and family to Soothr! I watched movies in Bryant Park. I walked up and down Rivington to visit my best friend. I went to 2010 Freeh Lane when I never thought I would do that again. I got to see where Pop is buried. I watched Grandma sing in her church choir. I invented a card game in my sleep. I invented a party game not in my sleep. I had my first NYC pride! I got high and went to the MET. I walked Manhattan. I SLAYED as Bruno AND Gaga on Halloween! I got a tattoo!!!!

Bagels and pork buns and burritos and reality TV and podcasts and ski runs and red wine and Padres games and Mario Kart and massages and sunsets.

I fell in love with so many new people. Alex and Emily and Winnie and Jane and Clarissa and Melina and Eric and Praveen and Ilana and Brijit and Ashley and Noah and Ethan and Nicole.

I fell deeper into love with so many old people. Jin-Hee and Ana Elena and Bill and Chloe and Chloe and Grace and Sam and Marli and Arshia and Sofia and Will and Anna and Kara and Rilyn and Daniella.

I held my friends and family and grandparents tightly.

So many good eggs hatched into my life this year, and God I’m forever fucking grateful for every single one of them.

Act III: A Message to 2026

2026: I have big plans for you. I’m diving into a new job at a new place, and I’m really looking forward to this novel submergence. I’m going to start therapy again, and by the end of the year, I’m going to love myself more than I do right now. I’m also excited for things that won’t be new. My fire escape. Tap. Bagels.

I have a new mindset I want to try. There are those things that happen “of course.” Of course, moving to New York presented challenges. Of course, there were surprises and disappointments and the rest. Of course, this year was a mixed bag.

If there’s anything I’ve learned this year, the way to truly thrive is to keep control of my mindset. Laughing through the rainstorms. Giving myself the space I need to recover so that I can comeback stronger. My life will always feel like a struggle if I only focus on the struggle. 2025 could be defined as a struggle if that’s what I choose to focus on. It could also be defined as a shmashing success if I decide to let it be such.

I’m choosing to not let my troubles define me in 2026. I’m choosing to breathe in happiness and grace and optimism and hope. This is not of course. This was not always the case for 2025. This is a decision I’m choosing to make.

Of course, 2025 was imperfect. Of course, 2026 will be too. Not of course, I choose to thrive.